Self-Fulfilling Proficy... and Hope..

Maybe it's a weird title for tonight's blog but these are two words/phrases that keep running through my head. Even if at times it's hard for me to admit, I have been very poisoned with lies about myself. I long for this life, a life of trust, love, hope, understanding, and security. Because I have seen a lot of brokenness and made some poor decisions I have made myself believe that my 'dream' life could never happen. That I deserve less than that. One poor choice= a lifetime of poor choices. Believing that I cannot make a good/wise choice has been the very thing that has driven me to make poor choices. Now the word hope.... all this time somewhere deep inside there is still hope. Hope for a brighter future. Hope that somehow there is more to life and that life is mine if I only take it. Hope that love is real, the love can last, and that there is God who made me and loves me more than I can possibly fathom. And hope that there is still good left in people.. in this world.

The past few months have been a battle between these two mindsets. By the grace of God I am beginning to see the lies, the things that I have believed for so long. This week I have been on the battlefield. In an embarrassing sense, I don't think I have ever talked to myself so much. I am only openly sharing that because there has been a lot of victories! Recognizing my thoughts and taking them down one by one has been a very freeing feeling. Knowing that He has a plan and a future for me. Realizing the Maker of the Universe chose to make me, and knit me together so intricately.

So as for the BIG CHANGE... I am moving! I am moving in about two weeks in fact. Any guesses where??? Ok, enough for the suprise factor. I am moving in with Dan and Carlee Russell. For those of you who don't know they were my old youth pastor and mentors through high school. Our journey together has been a long, beaten, and blessed path. But through it all they have loved me endlessly and truly seeked for my best interest. I am excited and nervous for the change. It's going to be an adjustment after living by myself for such a long time. But I am eager for the change. I am ready to be in a home... to be accountable to someone... to be surrounded by people who follow God. It's a big step, kinda scary. But I can honestly say that I am more excited than scared. Pray for us in this change and transition. Pray that I continue to face the giants in my life and not run anymore.