UNCENSORED: Freedom is the oxygen of the soul. ~Moshe Dayan

He told me, "This blog is beautiful, but I feel like it's censored. I feel like your not saying all that you want to. Your holding back." Thoughts flooded my mind. It is true, wholly and completely true. Saying everything that I want to say makes me vulnerable. By posting everything that I really want to say and allowing everyone to read it makes be completely vulnerable. There is no more hiding, no more secret life, or hidden thoughts, and it opens myself up to judegment. Being completely honest to those around me allows them to see everything about me, every passion, every joy, every fear, every ugly part. . . I become transparent. And this is something that I have feared since I was young. I have experienced too much brokenness, too much disappointment, complete and utter lonliness, and sorrow to want any part of that. I have spent my entire teenage and beyond years to do everything in my power to avoid all of that. And to think of how much pressure that can be on one person!?! That is too much responsibilty, to be perfect, stay perfect, become something perfect knowing all along that it is an unattainable goal. It's exhausting mentally, which leads to physical exhaustion, which only becomes a mental frustration which continues the cycle all over again. And thinking back now, I ask myself for what? What is this all for? Why is there so much pressure to be something, to land somewhere, to grow roots? What is the ultimate purpose?

"In the pattern-thinking about roots I and most other people have left two things out of consideration. Could it be that Americans are a restless people, a mobile people, never satisfied with where they are as a matter of selection? The pioneers the immmigrants who peopled the continent, were the restless ones in Europe. The steady rooted ones stayed home and are still there. But every one of us, except the Negroes forced here as slaves, are descended from the restless ones, the wayward ones who were not content to stay at home. Wouldn't it be unusual if we had not inherited this tendency? And the fact is that we have. But that's the short view. What are roots and how long have we had them If our species has existed for a couple million of years, what is its history? .... Perhaps we have overrated roots as a psychic need. Maybe the greater urge, the deeper and more ancient is the need, the will, the hunger to be somewhere else." -Steinbeck

"Forests burn down after hitting their peak, the stock market plunges, and cities crumble from giant waves. gold is a rock, cash is paper, and coins are merely metal with funny faces on them" -Schnarr

Why then, do I still feel a pressure to live a certain life? Is it from myself? People around me? Standards of society? Regardless of the cause, I am done with it. Completely done. The desire to please, to attain, to become something is gone. The passions to be alive, to give, to have no excess and be content in that, and to love endlessly are only mutliplying. Let go of all that is material. To spend my days experiencing, breathing, and sharing all that is within me, that is my only dream. To walk, sleep, eat with the beggars, the hungry, the unwanted, the lonely, the broken, the passionate, the alive, the dead.... to pour myself into that. Walk amongst a world filled with so much hatred and selfishness and begin to build relationships, earn the right to speak into their lives and ultimately show the love that overflows through my heart. This world has nothing for me, but people last. And that is where I am choosing to invest my life. I want no roots, no consistency, no guarentees. That is where I get stuck, my world gets consumed by always planning for tomorrow and the years after that. I get so worried about something that may never exist.

Realizing this, this freedom is truly oxygen to my soul.